What Do You Say to a Rape Victim
Warning: This article talks about sexual assault.
A close friend came to visit me about six months after I was violently raped.
She remarked that I'd become withdrawn. So sitting down, cups of tea in hand, I started explaining why I'd gone to ground. Eyes downcast, I told the kitchen table what happened.
After a few moments of silence, she asked: "Aren't you going to go to the police?"
My heart began beating faster as she went on: "What if he does it again to someone else? How could you live with yourself if he does?"
My stomach dropped — and I wished I could take my words back.
With numerous sexual assault allegations across the political scene and abuse survivor Grace Tame being awarded Australian of the Year, more women are disclosing sexual assault — and some Australians are wondering how to respond if somebody discloses to them.
Here's what I wish more people had kept in mind when I started telling my story.
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
Sexual assault is horrifying in concept, let alone as a lived experience.
Hold space for victim-survivors to tell you their experiences by allowing them to pause and discuss at their own pace. I'd encourage anyone on the receiving end of a disclosure to be mindful that it can be extremely daunting to say aloud, whether it's the first time or the hundredth.
"Let the person tell the story as they want to — the details aren't important," says Julie Kun, chief executive officer of information and support service WIRE.
And as difficult as these situations are to navigate, remember that just being there and listening is helpful (at least, far more helpful than trying to shut the conversation down).
"People often fear doing the wrong thing so much they avoid [the victim-survivor]," Ms Kun explains.
Assuming you're not a professional, it could be worth calling a helpline such as 1800 RESPECT "to support yourself to be that support", she adds.
Sexual assault victim-survivors want to be believed
There is no single correct thing to say when someone discloses assault.
The first and best place to start is to tell them that they are believed, as this is one of the biggest fears that victim-survivors have.
As well as "I believe you", the person who has been assaulted also needs to hear you say, "it was not your fault".
And keep in mind, Ms Kun says, that "not telling the truth about sexual assault is really, really uncommon".
It's also vital to take any mention of suicide seriously, Ms Kun says.
"If someone says they're planning to take their own life … don't treat it as being flippant.
Be aware that you may not have the training to manage your friend's suicidal thoughts, she adds. In that case, she urges: "Get them onto Lifeline."
Speak from the heart, but don't make it about you
Simply saying "I'm so sorry this happened to you" or "I'm so sad that this is something you've gone through", signals to the victim-survivor that you care and understand the magnitude of what they've been through.
But don't make it about you: the idea is to avoid placing the onus on the victim-survivor to care for you in learning this information.
"Some people won't disclose because they're so concerned about upsetting others, it's not about you," says Ms Kun.
"You can say 'I'm angry that this has happened to you'.
"But don't try to be the solution or the justice giver, that's not the role of the supporter."
This shifts the focus away from the victim-survivor and onto you.
Thank them for trusting you
If you find yourself in the situation of responding to sexual assault disclosure, this means that you're someone the victim-survivor trusts deeply.
"We see this a lot [at WIRE]; people feel privileged to be told. They tell us 'I'm so grateful I could be there for them and that they trusted me'," Ms Kun says.
Disclosing can be frightening and potentially places the relationship at risk.
Acknowledging the extent of the trust it takes to disclose can help alleviate some anxiety about how the news is being received.
You could consider saying something like: "It took a lot of courage to tell me about this; thank you for trusting me."
Discuss options for seeking additional support
In the aftermath of my own rape, I refused to access specific supports as I felt my doctor was pushing me towards it.
This isn't unusual: sexual assault involves a forceful removal of the person's agency and autonomy, so take cues from the victim-survivor, even if you'd prefer things were handled differently.
If your friend is interested, offer to call a phone support line on their behalf, book appointments or drive them if you can.
If you're in a position to do so, make this an open offer for if or when they're ready. These practical offers can make accessing services less daunting.
The key is to ask the person what they want you to do, rather than springing into action of your own volition in attempts to "solve" the situation. I never found people's desires to find or harm the perpetrator comforting, just another thing to worry about.
Ms Kun also notes the importance of maintaining your own healthy boundaries — sexual assault is so common that it's somewhat likely you, as a support person, are also a victim-survivor.
If that's the case with you, it's a good idea to be "really clear about what you're able to provide", Ms Kun says.
You could say something like "I can't come to the police station with you because that's too triggering for me", she says — and seek advice from 1800 RESPECT on how to get support to be a support.
Leave the responsibility where it belongs: with the perpetrator
This brings me back to my own friend, sitting at the table with me after I disclosed my own rape.
I wish she'd thought about what I was going through before responding in the way she did. Although it wasn't her intention, her response left me feeling incapacitated by shame.
If you ask whether they have reported the behaviour to police, never ask why — or if they're concerned the perpetrator may hurt someone else.
The decision about what to do must remain with the person who has experienced the assault, as Rape and Domestic Violence Services Australia's resources make clear.
The only person responsible for the behaviour is the perpetrator.
The victim-survivor's responsibility is to themselves in their recovery. Conveying that no circumstance ever excuses sexual assault is much more supportive and less interrogative.
Reinforcing this can help begin to shift the burden of responsibility off the victim-survivor and back to the perpetrator — where it belongs.
Katie Brebner Griffin is a Melbourne-based social policy research analyst, and a lived experience advocate who appeared on ABC's You Can't Ask That. She also works as an illustrator under the Instagram name @ohkdarling.
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What Do You Say to a Rape Victim
Source: https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/what-to-say-when-a-friend-discloses-sexual-assault/100012520
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